Trans people don’t only exist when it’s convenient to you

A rant essay, based on an ethics class.

Our ethics class was on the debate of “Should you be allowed to choose the sex of your child through private IVF?”. I’m not going to argue my point on this one, because apparently I’m in the minority here wanting to improve the lives of those who really struggle with gender (or to give it the accurate name, sex) disappointment and their families. It saddens me that medical students aren’t taking their patients’ lived experiences into account in their decisions, but I guess I already knew that as a non-binary person in a binary world.

Anyway, in this discussion someone decided a really strong point against this topic was ‘well the child might grow up to be trans and they’d feel worse about transitioning’. Except they didn’t say that, they avoided the word trans like a curse, just like lots of people do, making the whole topic clunky and awkward from the start. Well thanks for thinking about us, but kindly butt out. Sex and Gender inequalities are EVERYWHERE. Growing up as a “female” with brothers, it was always evident to me that I was favoured over my brothers in many ways. I played games with it — the same words my brothers used and got shouted down for I would repeat a couple of weeks later to be afforded a listening ear and no anger. I knew my parents would be devastated to “not have a daughter” any more, but frankly if they consider that over their child’s happiness that says a lot about them doesn’t it. It’s well known parents grieve the child they were imagining the future for. But any parent who actually loves their child would prefer their child being trans than the alternative. Disappointing our parents is a given, there is no option –It’s the difference between a son and a daughter, or the difference between a child and no child at all.

Being trans means overcoming the pressure to conform in all aspects of life, and conforming to your parents ideals is one of those aspects. Yes, some parents may have stronger opinions on your gender than others, but that’s in no way our greatest concern when coming out. Our greatest concerns are acceptance, respect and having a roof over our heads.

Thanks for your concern, but trans people aren’t a pawn in your ethical argument. If you really cared about trans people you’d campaign for changes to things that currently affect us. Give me access to surgery I need to stop me getting broken ribs and chest pain. Give me access to gender neutral facilities. Make my gender legally recognised so I don’t have to keep misgendering myself or explaining to people that my gender neutral title is valid. Include us in the conversation, and don’t talk on our behalf. Because I, for one, won’t stand for it.

This remark led me to feeling wronged enough by the misrepresentation of my community that my only option was to out myself in a class of 40 as trans. That’s unacceptable in my book. I choose when I out myself, not you.

How to be a good, caring, kind person: Listen, Empathise, Ask, Support.

Don’t: Assume, State, Talk over.

Work with minorities and you’ll make a greater change than you could know.

Peace Out


I occasionally write rants when the world annoys me. Mostly LGBTQ+ and mental health content.