Mental Health Awareness Week — Day 6.
Childhood trauma
So what are you gonna do
When the world don’t orbit around you
So what are you gonna do
When the world don’t orbit around you
Ain’t it fun
Living in the real world
Ain’t it good
Being all alone
Don’t go crying to your mama
’Cause you’re on your own in the real world
Don’t go crying to your mama
’Cause you’re on your own in the real world
Those of us who have experienced certain kinds of childhood trauma become much more independent so much sooner than other people. We know the world doesn’t revolve around us, we know that adults don’t know everything. We don’t go running to our parents for help. We’ve learnt to rely on ourselves, and we’ve been living in the real world so much longer than our peers. Sometimes we take independence to an unhealthy level — we haven’t been able to rely on anyone as a child, so we find it hard to let ourselves rely on other people as adults. We carry a lot of weight on us because of this. But moving out, into everyone else’s real world is so much easier for us. We don’t have to pretend to rely on our parents, they don’t have to be dragged into everything we do. We’re not any less supported, we’ve just been freed from the iron weights we have to drag around in our lives. We’re free to be independent physically the way we have been emotionally for years.
2. The only exception — Paramore
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore
That she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I’d never sing of love if it does not exist
Supporting your parents emotionally as a child is difficult. We guard our own emotions so we don’t have to put the burden we shouldered on someone else. We keep “a comfortable distance” and we’re “content with loneliness”. But we don’t really start to heal from it until we start to let people in and let ourselves be vulnerable. It’s a risk, but it’s how we have to heal. We’re not cold. We’re not emotionless. We’re just guarded.
3. Stressed out — Twenty One Pilots
Wish we could turn back time
To the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep
But now we’re stressed out
Used to play pretend
Give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship
And then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space
But now they’re laughing at our face saying
“Wake up, you need to make money”, yeah
As I got older I felt robbed of my childhood. There was too much responsibility on my shoulders to have a normal, carefree childhood. I wished I could turn back time, to when I didn’t have to feel the pain and weight I carried around. When I wasn’t always stressed. I’ve been playing the role of an adult since I was 10. Protect your kids, let them have a childhood, because once we grow up, we can’t go back. Being an adult in a child’s body is incredibly lonely — you can’t fit in with your peers or the adults. Whilst other people are worried about schoolyard drama, teenage 2 day relationships, you’re worrying about whether there will be food at home, whether you’ll have to sit through arguments, cook dinner, console your siblings and parents, if you’ve forgotten to remind your parents of yours or a sibling’s parents evening, friends’ birthday party, sports match. The inconsequentials go out of the window. It’s replaced with stress.
There was a time when I was alone
No where to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away too
Run run Lost Boy, they say to me
Away from all of reality
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
We are the lost kids. We didn’t have childhoods. We don’t have a place to call home. Home should feel safe, loving, the place we can relax and unwind. By that logic my school was more my home than my house. Run run lost boy, away from all of reality — escapism is a powerful tool for us. For some of us, it’s stories, films, imagination. Others turn to substances. My teachers and family were always trying to get me to stop reading and re-reading the Harry Potter books, but they were my escapism. I read them to not be in the present. I’ve always re-read books, rewatched films — the more familiar they are, the more comfortable the escapism is. It’s not boring, it’s self-preservation, and it’s not drugs so it’s pretty healthy as escapism goes.
Well, nothing’s gonna hurt me with my eyes shut
I can see through them
I can see through them
And I am drawing pictures, I’m evading
I will not use them
I will not use them againAnd it starts again
You come over with your friends
I don’t wanna talk to them
And all I really want is to start againAnd, oh
And I, yeah, I’ve got the lines
I’ve got the lines
Oh, it’s brighter this time
And this type of mine
This disguise
This speaks to me in 2 ways. Firstly, the idea of being on your guard. Because of what we’ve been through, lots of us who have suffered large childhood traumas are cautious to trust those around us. We’re always waiting for the stabbing the back. We can spot manipulation from a mile away. If everyone you’ve been close to has hurt you or disappeared, you naturally let people in slower. Secondly, my issues with sleeping. I know what it’s like to feel unsafe in your own bed. Having to sleep with one eye open. I used to lie awake at night planning emergency exit strategies. This reminds me how much safer I feel now. Although, there’s still some hang ups — I have a preferred side of the bed — not left or right, but closer to the door.
